


What Could Have Been.

by BD99



Series: Sin With Me [3]
Category: Sin With Me (Visual Novel)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bisexual Female Character, Bisexual Female Character of Color, Bisexuality, Canon Bisexual Character, Emotional, Family Drama, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Mentions of Death, Miscarriage, loss of life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-22
Updated: 2020-03-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:14:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23259007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BD99/pseuds/BD99
Summary: Cali refuses to let Onyx suffer in silence, which leads to her discovering one of the greatest tragedies of Onyx's life.
Relationships: Onyx Wren/Main Character
Series: Sin With Me [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1573963
Comments: 1
Kudos: 14





	What Could Have Been.

**Author's Note:**

> This does deal with violence leading to miscarriage, briefly. Please be cautious if you are sensitive. I truly felt exploring something like this could be interesting, and definitely a motivation for numerous characters in the Sin universe.
> 
> The Emotional prompt for this was Grief.
> 
> The Song which I listened to writing this is called "Color of your eyes" by "Smash Into Pieces"  
> Whilst the lyrics don't quite fit the situation, the emotion of the song and how I believe Cali would feel hearing this is pretty accurate.  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=luk6YWf_34A

There were many things in the world that Cali never wanted to see again. The sheer amount of blood that spurted from a sliced artery, coming in waves that matched time with a dying heart. The contrast of plasma against a doctor’s gloves. The way that sterile white blankets turned different shades of red and pink as blood coagulated. The harshness of a digital green line, flat and blaring across the monitor. The sight of her front wheel over the edge of the cliff, supported only by her quick thinking and feet hooked into the guard rail. The way her bike bent as it bounced down the rock face, frame crumpling in on itself as if made of hollow paper and tape instead of alloy. Her father’s face, although it haunted her every dream and fantasy of childhood. The crinkle in the corner of his eye when he tried not to laugh at a young Cali’s antics. The daughter he had abandoned without even the kindness of a goodbye. The daughter he had given a number jotted down on the back of a torn receipt, as if it could make up for shattering a young girls heart and soul.

Now something else had made that list of things which had struck Cali to the core. That would scar her for life. Unlike the other points, this was not life changing. It was not the end of a life, or the cultivation of agony refined into a single trigger. It was not the low percentage circumstance, or even something that would shape Cali’s life. No, it was mundane in the grand scheme of things.

Onyx Wren was such a small woman. Light and lithe, barely brushing an even five foot. It was so easy to forget how small she was when she flew; when she flipped and smiled, taunting death as flames chasing her across a tightrope. She moved as if the meaning of fear was forgotten; as if mortality was a foreign concept. Now, it was all too easy to see. Adrenaline and amazement no longer provided the illusion of a goddess, leaving the trembling, ashen frame crumpled in the corner. Pale calves curled around the pinks of Onyx’s skirt, heels pressed to her rump, knees resting together to one side. Sequins twinkled on Onyx’s crookedly hanging shirt. Arms which seemed capable of carrying the weight of the world trembled, whereas the hands of an artist cradled what appeared to be a single photograph close to a pure heart. Clouds of agony held residence in the oceanic green eyes which usually held the warmth of spring. The glistening of rhinestone piercings beneath Onyx’s eye rivalled the gleam of silently falling tears, each taking the pigments of yellow, blue and lavender Onyx used to decorate her eyes. Occasionally, the darkness of eyeliner won out, laying paved lines of washed out greys against snowy skin.

“Onyx?” Cali called, unable to handle the stabbing in her own chest. Onyx was always so strong, the most cheerful of the troupe. She was always the one ensuring everyone ate; the one handing out hugs; the joy and endless optimism even when things became dire. She was the sweetheart of Sin, the one everyone adored for her endless optimism.

“Oh, Cali. I didn’t see you there, Sweetheart.” Onyx chirped; her voice nearly as flawless as her showstopper smile that could light up a room, could unite warring fans, and soothe the greed of Vegas gamblers. The smile of Envy, the Sweetheart of the Sin Troupe. The entertainer tilted her head, attempting to conceal her flaws behind her hair. Not even the curtain of sunlight, dipped in meadow green could distract Cali from Onyx’s eyes. Gleaming now, as bright as ever to any who didn’t know better. To those who could ignore the spiderweb fractures in the happiness projected.

“Is there something you need?”

“Onyx. Why didn’t you tell me you were sad?” Cali tried to broach the topic gently. Sad did not cover the moment of unguarded sorrow she had stumbled upon. No, what Cali had seen was beyond sorrow, or sadness. It was depression. Something so dark and shadowy that she wondered how Onyx had enough light to gift the world. How had she kept the illusion of carefree partying sunshine alive for so long? How had the mask not fallen?

“How did yo-”

“Pet names and smiles can’t hide it forever, Onyx. I care too much to ignore it.” Cali cut in, unwilling to allow Onyx any traction to deny her own emotions. Surprise danced across Onyx’s face, parting her delicate lips in way that exposed the clean edges of pristinely kept teeth.

“Oh.” Aside from that one little sound, Onyx gave no reaction. The moments stretched into uncomfortable silence, suspended on an invisible rope that tightened every second Cali didn’t approach.

Every step felt wrong. Tense. As if she were having to creep through an enchanted forest to capture a fairy on a moonless night. She found herself continuing to look beneath her washed out sneakers, half expecting to find a branch or bone in her path. Each step was quiet. No branches cracked, alerting the forest to her intrusion, nor did bones scatter and alert the reaper she sought to flee. No. The walk itself, for all the build-up in her mind, was quiet and swift. No eggshells. No earthquake. Chancing a glance down, Cali’s eyes fixed on the photograph within Onyx’s hand. Black, with a cone of grainy greys. Numbers in one corner. A date? Oh. There was the crack. It wasn’t the walk, but the destination. Cali didn’t care anymore. She tore the forest down, threw her bones beyond the Reaper to Death itself. Fuck it all. If anything in existence had an issue, Cali would gladly clobber them to death with a wrench. Nothing was stopping her closing the distance, dropping to her knees and throwing her arms around the startled woman in front of her.

“Fuck. Onyx, when? Why didn’t- how long? Wh-” Cali was painfully aware how awkwardly her words were coming out. Again, her instincts screamed FUCK IT. If moods had limbs, hers would be giving the double fingers to any god or devil within sight. She didn’t need medical training to know what Onyx was holding, or had been. Quick hands had come up to grasp Cali’s forearm, preventing the Chinese woman from crushing a delicate windpipe.

“It isn’t! It’s not... not anymore.”

... Oh. Fuck. That was worse than anything Cali could have anticipated. What could she even say to that? Med School had exposed Cali to so much. To joy as much as grief. She’d listened to doctors speak about delivering the news that a child had not made it, and at the time it had seemed so trivial. Yes, Cali had been able to identify it would cause a lot of pain, but she’d been blinded by her own woes, drowning in course work and too much caffeine to function. She’d never been able to conceive the magnitude, nor the vertigo of crushing reality. If only she’d listened, maybe those with more experience could kickstart her mind on the right path. Perhaps they’d travelled the right path to get through this. But, then again, she had never heard of ANY of them addressing their own personal loss.

“Onyx...” If a name could ever have expressed the storm of emotions, the way Cali uttered that name would be it. There were no words created to express her tone, yet it was one every doctor was familiar with. That hovering moment before everything came crashing down.

“Was it-“

“It was Dorren’s.” For the first time Onyx sounded as broken as she had appeared. No force in existence could have prevented Cali wrapping her arms around Onyx’s lithe waist, forearms protecting her exposed stomach as the Asian pulled the designer’s back into her chest. Onyx was so thin, even with her layers of defined muscle, not to mention cold. Cold enough to make Cali flinch at first contact, even with both their layers of clothing separating them. She didn’t dare speak again, no matter how many soothing words and half thought sentences danced across her tongue. Instead, Cali allowed her body to convey what words could not. The tightness of her embrace, arms protecting where a child would have grown, if not for tragedy. It was hollow, an echo of a gesture, but it was Cali’s. It was everything she could give to potential which was never given the chance to be realised.

“It was the same year he died. I was so scared. I mean, I was barely out of school, my career was ruined and... I was happy too. It was an accident, but they were ours. I loved them so much, even before I found out. But Dorren... he didn’t take it well.” Onyx eventually spoke.

_“-Oh, I bet he didn’t.-”_ Cali silently raged. She had to bite down on her tongue to hold the words back. Everything she had heard and seen already suggested what kind of reaction Onyx’s dead lover would have had to a baby, and not a single one was the support and love Onyx deserved. Cali bit down on her tongue so hard she drew blood, yet only a small huff of pain escaped her. Onyx, distracted, seemed to take that as a sound of sympathy as she continued.

“He was so angry. Apparently, assassins can’t have children, so he thought I’d slept with someone else. Once we figured out because I wasn’t an assassin it was possible, he believed I hadn’t cheated. He was still distant for a while, then he upped my training. But that was ok, he loved me. He just wanted to make sure the baby would be safe.” Onyx continued, shrinking back into Cali’s chest a little. The Asian woman tightened her grip, grounding herself against every instinct. Her chest blazed, fuelled by her immediate suspicions.

_“-Sure he fucking did. Because more blows to the body is **exactly** what a pregnant woman needs... prick!-”_ if her thoughts could have had teeth, Cali’s would have been bared. How... just how? Onyx was the most loyal sweetheart Cali had ever met in her life. To think that Onyx would cheat, that was like thinking every teacup would come to life and sing across the world. Actually, the teacup option was far more realistic.

“We were all exhausted. Yvette was close to finding the demon who hurt her. Wrath was seeing somebody. We all had our training upped. I’m not surprised nobody noticed-“

“The Troupe didn’t know!?” Cali couldn’t help but exclaim, her shout earning a flinch from Onyx. Almost immediately, Cali’s hand rubbed apologetically along Onyx’s side. It was unconscious, an effort to settle and sooth as Cali regained control of herself. She knew better than to react so volatile, but something about this felt so hideously wrong. She couldn’t help but picture Onyx. Young, pregnant, distanced from everyone as she was pushed to the brink by the man she was in love with. Not JUST the man she loved, but the father of her child. The man who was not only several years older, but magically chosen to lead the Sin Troupe. How? How could that man have thought any part of his behaviour was appropriate, let alone beneficial? How could anybody do something so punishing? It was so easy to forget Onyx was only 23. Now, that age was a red alert siren in Cali’s mind. 23 now. Then, she’d been even younger. Maybe too young to even legally drink. Fuck. That struck too close to the heart. Cali’s arms tightened once again; cradling Onyx close.

“Dorren didn’t want to distract them until we were sure it was viable. He didn’t even come when I went for my eight week check up. Then, with everything... it was too much for me to keep up with. I should have told him, but I wanted to make him proud. We were sparring -“ Onyx’s words continued registering somewhere in the distance, yet Cali’s active mind felt as if it imploded. She was consumed by white hot rage, something not even demons had ever truly drawn out of her before. Dorren had KICKED Onyx? A full on round house kick when he KNEW Onyx was exhausted AND pregnant! Cali was going to be sick. It churned in her gut, a thick strew that was burning through her stomach lining. Or was it her blood itself burning? Surely that would explain why her entire body was in literal pain for the rapid rise in temperature. Couldn’t Onyx feel it? Why wasn’t Onyx reacting? Surely, there was magic causing this. What else could be so potent that Cali felt she was about to feint, yet that she could sprints a marathon at the same time?

“He was so upset. He even rushed me to the hospital, but with the internal bleeding-”

Did Onyx not realise what she was saying? **_INTERNAL BLEEDING?_** From a single training accident? How hard had Dorren kicked her? How had he not realised she was exhausted? The following realisation actively made bile rise into Cali’s mouth. Bile she had to swallow, even as more came up into her nose. He had to have realised. He had to have known Onyx couldn’t block such a powerful kick at her prime, not without the Envy Assassin powers flooding her veins. He’d have seen she was exhausted; known she couldn’t have blocked... and he had struck her anyways.

“We agreed to just not tell the others, keep acting how we always did and address it when we had time. That was the same month everything went wrong. Wrath’s partner. The demon. Vinca murdering Dorren, becoming Pride.” Onyx had continued to speak, oblivious to what Cali was experiencing. The words didn’t stop, though they froze Cali’s entire world. So, he’d been fine to continue sleeping with Onyx after he practically murdered their child? Oh. No. Absolutely not. Fuck that. Fuck its cow. Fuck... just fuck it! What other words could Cali ever think to sum up just how WRONG this was? Suddenly, Vinca didn’t seem so outrageously evil. Had she known that Dorren had hurt her sister so badly, that he’d killed her niece or nephew? If Vinca had known any of this, then her murder of Dorren would make perfect sense. Heck, Cali would have been there cheering Vinca on, complete with the #TeamVinca t-shirts and pompoms.

“Then Ripley died, and I became Envy.” Onyx’s voice wavered. Cali couldn’t help but suck a breath in, hoping the burn of air would distract her from the crushing in her chest. Assassins couldn’t have children. By 23, Onyx had lost the chance of ever having biological children. The Wren line ended with her and Vinca. Cali would never get to walk through the door and see a mini Onyx chasing Ripley around. She’d never get to watch Onyx cuddling her child close, nor watch them panic on the first day of school. The world would never see another generation of smiles like the Wren twins. Never get to see Onyx captured in genetic history. Onyx had been given a singular chance at that joy, a chance her partner had deliberately, oh yes Cali had no doubt about that, torn from her with a vicious roundhouse kick.

“I mean, it’s probably for the best. I’d make a terrible mother.” Onyx tried to reason.

_“-Lies!-”_ Cali’s mind snarled in return. She remained silent.

“Without Dorren, I’d never be able to keep up with a baby. Could you imagine a baby exposed to all this demon crap? With me as a mother? They’d stand no chance.” Onyx continued. Cali had never felt she could become the embodiment of disagreement until Onyx said that. She’d seem Onyx with Avi. The pint-sized goddess was practically born to interact with children and rescue puppies. Onyx had a glow about her when she played with Avi, or when she teamed up with him to flash the puppy dog eyes at Cal. Grumpy as that man was, he couldn’t combat that level of adorable. In Cali’s eyes, Onyx already played the role of a mother, a protector. Someone who not only nurtured but taught. Sunshine to the flowers. How could Onyx ever doubt herself? Just how far had Dorren dragged her down?

“Onyx... when did you take time to deal with this?” Cali voiced, keeping herself as outwardly calm as possible. Her rage was entirely justified, and it was going to come out in a tsunami the moment she was away from Onyx. Right now, though? Now, Onyx held more importance to her than her own anger.

“There wasn’t any time. Not wit-”

“Fuck that! Fuck it in all the wrong ways. Onyx, you lost six people in close succession! Nobody is expected to be fine after that, let alone continue saving the goddamn world! You deserve to have time to mourn. You need it. Forget everything else. If anyone says anything, they can fight me!” Cali declared, shaking her head to punctuate her denial.

“There she is. Our spunky bike mechanic.” Onyx laughed weakly. It was such a far cry from her usual birdsong laughter.

“I have killed a demon with a bike, a B-I-K-E, Onyx! I’m also a partially trained surgeon, close enough to a doctor.” Cali reminded Onyx in a faux enraged tone. Her legs came to wrap around Onyx’s waist, holding the small assassin down. If Cali’s body could have spoken, nobody could have doubted the message it was sending. Onyx, who time and time again gave so much of herself to protect others. Now, Cali silently begged for Onyx to take. Even if it was just once, she needed Onyx to take everything without putting others first. From the breath in her lungs to the warmth of her blood, every ounce of strength she had left in her own weary body. Most importantly, time. Precious time. Something not a single assassin seemed to have, or to value when applied to themselves. It was always full on intensity, chasing every threat down without ever pausing to consider themselves.

“And doctor’s orders are that you take time. Treatments include days of cuddles with friends, admitting you’re sad and crying if you need to. Exercise... carrying my fine ass around if you disagree with me!”

“I can flip a man almost double my body weight, Cali.” Onyx pointed out, allowing the photograph to flutter to the ground as her hands wrapped under Cali’s thighs. The chill of cold hands and the bite of bedazzled nails earned a loud, indignant squeal from Cali, yet the drop out surgeon fought to keep her composure.

“Fight me!” She boldly declared. When Onyx’s nails bit that little bit deeper, Cali’s brain caught up with her. She was practically challenging a superhero.

“Those aren’t doctor’s orders!” She yelped, barely restraining her laughter as Onyx found her feet.

“Fooled me, Sweetheart.” Onyx quipped, mask sliding into place. No, not quite a mask. Her tone wasn’t perfect, nor did she adopt the high energy she always presented the world. She was warm, but far from her usual definition of sunshine. Happier, but still burdened.

“Princess, get your ass to bed and let me snuggle! I will call Ripley!” Cali threatened, clinging to Onyx like a young Koala to its mother. The short assassin paused, looking over her shoulder with an expression of absolute betrayal.

“You wouldn’t...”

“I will call the literal bear! Don’t test me. I have an Asian mother! I am the mistress of guilting people into obedience and beating them with household objects!”

“Racist! Your mother is a sweetheart!”

“That’s what she wants you to believe!”


End file.
